I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - Joan Rivers
Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better. - Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. - Joan Rivers
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. - Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. - Joan Rivers
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. - Joan Rivers
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present. - Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.'' - Joan Rivers